Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children”
There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.”
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
I haven’t reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don’t think there’s really any oxygen. I think they’re just to muffle the screams.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?
On a traffic light green means go, yellow means yield and red means stop but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the f–k did you get that banana from …
Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
I am not the boss of my house. I don’t know when I lost it. I don’t know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss’s job and I do not want it.
I’m not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know that I’m not dumb. I also know I’m not blonde.
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