APPLAUSE. The fuss which we think the world ought to make over us for doing our duty.
COURTSHIP. Love’s excursion boat just before it strikes the rough sea of matrimony.
CUSTOMS INSPECTOR. An individual who gets a salary for believing that everybody on the steamboat is a smuggler.
DELUSION. Something which every man likes to hug–especially if she’s pretty.
DUST. The material from which man is made and that is the reason why woman sweeps all before her.
ECONOMY. A system practiced by some men which permits their wives to wear last year’s dresses so that they can buy better cigars.
EMPLOYER. A man who has a soft spot for a hard worker.
FRIENDSHIP. The name of the handle some people put on other people for the purpose of using them.
GENTLEMAN. A title which many a man claims because the public hasn’t time to prove him otherwise.
GET-RICH-QUICK. An aquarium for suckers. A place where poor people go to get poorer.
HARD JOB. Trying to live without working.
IRONY OF FATE. A man with an invitation to a beefsteak dinner who has to stay home because his wife has acute indigestion.
JUDGMENT. An ability which some men get credit for having when in reality they are merely lucky at guessing things.
JUSTICE. The name we give it when the verdict is the way we want it.
LOAFER. A man who believes the world owes him a living and sends another man to collect it.
PLEASURE. Fun you have to-day so you can worry over it to-morrow.
RIDDLE. A question-mark gone mad. A foolish member of the Interrogation family whose most fiendish offspring is “How old is Ann?” e.g.
Ann’s mother has just finished reading a very beautiful story. Mary’s mother sent over and borrowed the book. How old will Ann’s mother be when the book gets back?
TACT. The art of knowing just when to laugh at a rich man’s joke.
TO-MORROW. The only day in the year that appeals to a lazy man.
VERSATILITY. The ability of a woman to wear a tight shoe and a loose smile at the same time.
VICE VERSA. To sleep with one’s head at the foot of the bed and one’s feet at the head of the bed.
Culled from The Silly Syclopedia, Noah Lott.
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